“We just can’t sit around and do nothing”

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Emily Roberts, 18 of Sugar Grove, left, and Ben Minnis, 18 of Batavia, pose for a portrait in Aurora on Wednesday, July 6, 2011. The two are putting on a fundraiser for Ben Wilkinson who committed suicided last winter.| Brian Powers~Sun-Times Media

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Updated: October 29, 2011 12:42AM

Ben Wilkinson died fighting an illness no one knew about — and even now, six months after his death, everyone struggles to understand.

The popular 17-year-old Marmion Academy student — involved in everything from athletics to drama; and described by friends as charismatic and motivated — committed suicide in his the bedroom of his Batavia home in January, a few months shy of graduating with a full ROTC scholarship.

When any teenager dies tragically, a community grapples with the aftermath. This one hit particularly hard because Ben was so involved at Marmion, where his mom Deborah teaches.

After his death, some parents, shaken by the tragedy, scrutinized their own children’s every moves. Others made them sleep with their bedroom doors open. And many found themselves asking: If Ben Wilkinson can kill himself, why couldn’t my own child be at risk?

The “why” is the question suicides most often leave behind.

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Tim Wilkinson, who discovered his only son’s body when he went to get him up for school that frigid January morning, looks back through his tears only able to identify one red flag: A couple months earlier, Ben decided to shut down his Facebook page that had at least 7,000 friends on it.

Says his father, “He told me he had too much to do his senior year.”

Ben, who had been accepted into several ROTC programs, had decided on St. John’s University in Minnesota, where he planned to study psychology and go into a career in the military.

He was a do-er, known as a planner with great organizational skills. He also was in theater, a dedicated cross country runner and a writer who completed one book during high school and was working on a second. But mostly, he was a normal, extra-social teen, who cared so much about his friends, he was methodical about keeping in contact with all of them on a rotating basis.

But Ben Wilkinson, say family and friends, had become adept at keeping busy to hide his own pain. In the suicide note he left behind, his dad says, Ben talked about not being sure where his problems started and everyone else’s ended.

“He was depressed for a long time,” his father sighed, “But he never raised his hand.”

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In the frustrating search for answers, blame often rears its ugly head. Why didn’t they spot signs of trouble, friends and family wondered. His parents even asked themselves if their son died because they ran out of vitamins and didn’t replenish them.

Suicide is the toughest of the tough. For months after Ben’s death, Tim Wilkinson had trouble telling friends and coworkers how his son passed away. Even when explaining the tragedy, he’d avoid the word suicide.

It’s an arduous process, this whole acceptance thing. Now, six months later, Tim Wilkinson not only says the word, he explains how it can happen.

It wasn’t about missed vitamins or red flags. Ben Wilkinson suffered from depression, a combination of genetic and environmental factors that results in a chemical imbalance in the brain. The condition can be even more critical among teens, who tend to be impulsive and whose brains are not yet fully formed.

The irony, says Wilkinson, is that the offices for Suicide Prevention Services is just five minutes from their Batavia home — on the way to the two places Ben most frequently visited; the gas station and McDonalds.

“If only,” says his dad, “he would have reached out ... called them up and said, ‘I need to talk to someone.’”

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Stephanie Weber, executive director of what is now known as Suicide Prevention Services of America, doesn’t mince words when it comes to this topic. “We can go all the way to Alaska to do training,” she says. “But we can’t get into schools right down the road.”

While grief counseling was offered immediately after Ben’s death, both Marmion Academy and Rosary High School, she insisted, “missed a major opportunity to educate and provide ongoing training.”

Therefore, the message that was sent out is suicide is still a dirty secret. And don’t let anyone know you have suicidal thoughts because they will be afraid to help you. Said Weber: “You can’t help if you don’t understand.”

Ben Minnis and Emily Roberts get it.

Minnis, also from Batavia, had known Ben, his classmate at Marmion, since junior high. And Roberts, from Sugar Grove, got close to him when the two performed in a Marmion/Rosary play together. “I was in shock for three months,” she said of Ben’s suicide.

Both students were upset, however, their schools did so little to help students understand this tragedy. And so, this summer, the couple decided to do something on their own.

Emily Roberts, who will be attending the University of Iowa and wants to run a not-for-profit someday, is, like Ben Wilkinson, an organizer. In fact, her friend was to be her emcee for a fashion show she’d put together to benefit Rosary held two weeks after he died.

So why not throw a fundraiser in his memory, with all proceeds going toward Suicide Prevention Services?

Ben Minnis, who will be going to Loras College in Iowa, jumped on board. And together they have been social networking the heck out of this upcoming event they hope will raise suicide awareness, especially among teens. “Party in the Park” will take place from 1-9 p.m. July 23 at Engstrom Family Park in Batavia. (Go to www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=214667081905909&view=wall¬if_t=event_wall.)

To date, they have over 260 people saying they will attend, with another 370 maybes and another 2,000 who have yet to reply. There will be food, music, multiple games and contests, as well as face painting and crafts. (Go to benemily23@gmail.com for more info.)

“We just can’t sit around and do nothing,” said Emily Roberts who, according to Weber, was instrumental in reviving Suicide Prevention Service’s teen group after Ben’s death.

Tim Wilkinson couldn’t be more proud of their efforts. “We need to raise awareness,” he said. “The service is there. “We need people to use it.”